Saunas, Guns, and Past Lives

Fantasia

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 21:25:00 -0400

Well, one of the phrases in the title of my blog is “Past Lives”, and I’m inclined to actually shed some light on that. I usually am very selective in who I tell about this, as most people seem to think you’re either crazy or silly. I am a firm believer in reincarnation. And by firm, I mean that there is no doubt in my mind. I’ve had too many strange coincidences for me to believe that we appear only once on this great world. When I was a very young child, I began drawing dragons. And not simple S shapes with legs and fire, but sophisticated Chinese dragons. My mom wanted to know where I had seen them before, but I informed her that they came from my head, from something that just appeared there in a flash. These sorts of things have happened my whole life. I went to a festival once where they shot off a ceremonial cannon, and for a few seconds I wasn’t in the present. I was running across a smokey field, wearing a dirty old uniform that seemed like something from the 17th or 18th century. I see men to my left running with me. I can smell the smoke, blood and piss. Then I was back, and no one around me was aware of what I had just experienced. At a firing range once, when the rhythm of the guns shooting was just right, I was laying in the woods, holding my side as blood was gushing out of it, and the pain was horrible. When I came back from that one, it felt like someone had hit me in the hipbone with a ball-peen hammer and continued to hurt for a long time afterwards. Once I was in my room playing a computer game, and I could hear the TV playing a scene where there was a swordfight. All of a sudden, I was at the edge of a clearing, fighting my way into the edge of the wood through a line of men with shields and armor. The battle raged all around me, and I tripped on a root. I can still taste the dirt and blood as vividly now as I did in that moment.

So, this is why I don’t tell many people. Every day is like I’m not here. I live as much in the past as I do in the present, and people don’t understand that. It can be something as simple as the shape of a hill, and I’m suddenly remembering charging Goths, or Huns, or Romans coming down a similar hillside. It’s really no wonder that I became a historian.

Anyways, I wanted to share this link. It came on NPR a year or two ago, and the first time I heard it I could do nothing but listen transfixed. I saw myself entering Jerusalem, and climbing a high hill. Falling to my knees and holding my sword as a cross. I remembered more of that life than any of the others, and it was because of this song. I remember the glory of the City, of being where Christ had died, and how short-lived that glory was. We had to leave that land in defeat and shame. How I escaped, I don’t know. But I remember a return to safe lands, and remembering until the last of my life the glory of entering the City. (I’d like to add here, for the record, that I am not an especially religious man, and not exactly Christian, either. So don’t mistake this for zealous ranting. It’s honestly the way I feel from back in those times. I’ve probably worshiped everything under the sun in some lives, so I’m religiously complicated at best.) It isn’t a neat, orderly assemblage of memories, or anywhere near complete. But every time I listen to this song, I remember something new. And, most importantly, I remember those feelings. So rarely do we feel so strongly, nowadays. That’s why this song is important to me. I hear those feelings with it. Awe, beauty, glory and wonder. But behind all of it, an overwhelming sorrow. That at much I can feel. Because no matter how much I remember, I can never go back to those old days. And I will never remember all of them. With each flash I get, I think of those ones that will never have the opportunity to pop up. It’s like watching a part of your soul die forgotten. Except that you don’t even remember enough to mourn it properly.

So, there’s an inkling of what I feel on the subject. I only have one follower, so I doubt my thoughts will be judged too harshly.

Columbia

Wed, 29 Aug 2012 18:11:23 -0400

I found out why I keep spelling Colombia as Columbia. It’s because the only time I’ve had to write out the word a large amount, it was in German. And they spell it “Kolumbien”. Therefor, I decree my ignorance to be excused, lol.

Just your typical Saturday

Sat, 11 Aug 2012 12:48:10 -0400

So, my friend Emily convinced me I should start using tumblr more. So I’m going to try to start actually posting the things I start to write, as opposed to thinking no one will want to read them anyways and delete them.

So I guess I’ll start off talking about the day. What I’ve done so far, and what I’m going to do. It will be sufficiently boring.

My day started when I woke up at 10. I had to watch the dogs, as they are faithful participants in random destruction (not for me though, which is why I had to watch them.) I sat around for a half hour or so, drinking coffee, when a sudden inclination hit me. Just 3 days ago or so, I bought and AKMS rifle, and have yet to shoot it. I figured, why not shoot a round off to greet the day? Just one round, enough for me to say that I had actually shot it. I don’t want it to be like my pistol that I bought 6 months ago and still haven’t shot. So I made sure that when I disassembled it to clean it, I had put it back together correctly, and loaded it up. I went out, worked the bolt, pointed it directly into the ground, and pulled the trigger. Nothing. It was vast disappointment. So, I cycle through that one, repeat, and nothing again. It wasn’t until the 4th attempt that the thing finally worked out what it was supposed to be doing. The ground has a nice hole now, that I filled in. So, my morning of awesomeness got diminished somewhat, but I still got to shoot an AK47 round after having my morning coffee, so I still chalk that up as a good day. The rifle is new to me, but made from old parts by the company, so I think it just wasn’t aligned up quite right yet. It should be fine now.

By the way, it was far louder than I had expected. I’m used to rifle shots and what-not, but that definitely surprised me.

That’s the only exciting thing I’ll be able to post about today. I’ve spent the rest of the day watching old Haunted Collector episodes and drinking coffee. In half an hour or so, I’m going to go to the gym and work on the upper body, and head into a Verizon store to get a new phone. My current one is messed up, it doesn’t tell me when anyone calls, it’s speaker doesn’t work, it only vibrates 50% of the time, and half the touch screen doesn’t work. I haven’t made up my mind what I want yet, part of me wants a smart phone so I can look up useless information on the internet whenever I want, but a more practical part of me just wants an indestructible regular phone. I probably won’t decide until I get to the store.

After that, I’m off to the beer distributor. My buddy Mike is having a party tonight that I’m gonna head off to, so I need a case of Sam Adams. Actually, now that I think of it, I don’t need a case. That’s a bit of overkill. I’m just going to get a six pack or two. Giant Eagle it is.

Anyways, there is my day so far, and plans I’ve made. You can all wake up now that I’ve bored you all, lol.

The Dark Man comes at three...

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 23:01:02 -0500

Very interesting dreams last night, and by interesting I mean deeply disturbing. So, last night I was having a really cool, extremely vivid dream that I was a crow, flying high above the hills and trees of my home, having a great view of everything. I was having a grand ol’ time. Then, all of a sudden, this very gentle, yet very disturbing voice comes out of nowhere, sounding like it’s all around me. It says “The Dark Man comes at three…” I’m filled with an immediate state of immense dread, and I wake up. Slightly horrified, I look over at the clock and, of course, it’s right before 3 o’clock in the morning. Needless to say, I spent the next hour staring out the window and listening as hard as I could for any bumps in the night.

Gladly, the night passed without incident, but it was extremely creepy. I mean, I can still hear that voice, and I shiver every time I think about it.

Why do my awesome crow dreams always get messed up?

"Ever the fearless, but never the fearful fares the better in a fight; ‘tis better to be glad..."

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 20:06:47 -0500

“

Ever the fearless, but never the fearful
fares the better in a fight;
‘tis better to be glad than in gloomy mood
whether all is fair or foul.

This is a quote that I remember daily. It seems that ever since I’ve read it, it sticks in my mind. It’s made me realize just how much fear we deal with on a daily basis, and no, not just the life or death kind.

Fear is what causes anxiety and stress, and I perform much better without either of those things. So now, when I find myself not wanting to do something, I analyze it. Usually, I find that I don’t want to do it because I fear something. Be it fear of failure, or fear of reprisal, or fear of what my peers think.

When I stop for a second, and realize that fear is all that stops me, I can suddenly overcome it. Why should I fear failure, when I failed to even try? Or fear a reprisal that I can stop? Or fear a judgment that I really could give less than two shits worth about? I used to try an approach where I would pretend I didn’t care what happened, but I was kidding myself and I knew it. This new approach fits perfectly. It’s not that I don’t care, its that I don’t fear the outcome. The new path presents itself, and I must decide which new route to take. When there is no fear in the equation, suddenly that choice becomes plain as day.

“What is to be, let it be done.” as Amon Amarth would say.

”

- Havamal

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 19:13:45 -0500

Get out of here tumblrbot. You are fake and not real.

No berserksgangr is complete without a panda hat. Truly horror...

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 18:55:25 -0500

No berserksgangr is complete without a panda hat. Truly horror inducing.